occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.