Golf would be better with landmines.
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
All. The. Damn. Time.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
why I oughta
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”