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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Just a bush.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’m too immature for adultery.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.