“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.