Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
when you order from DoorDastardly
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.