Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies