Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m not stressed
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?