Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-