Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???