My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
my retirement plan is braless
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴