TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
never deleting this app.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.