How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Peace was never an option
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
my name if I was in the mob
accurate
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.