I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
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#milo
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Europe. Made in Germany.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster