My nickname in high school was “who?”
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner