[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Here’s a meme
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
wow
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.