when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
There are no pants in heaven.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”