“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.