Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”