Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see