Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Need WebMD
my sentiments exactly
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon