Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
You Might Also Like
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
This came to me in a dream.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.