my first day as a raccoon
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Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.