*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I am never leaving this website
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…