Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics