“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie