What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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Never be a pizza!
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.