Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
this is 10/10 content no notes
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”