kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
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Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
i can’t wait that long
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”