Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
every single time
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
💁🏻♂️
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory