[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.