Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
i actually laughed 😩
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset