It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’ve been drinking.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
The only equipped I am is ill.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!