To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”