So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like