Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.