I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?