For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.