My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Only Americans understand
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
In space, no one can hear…
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.