ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.