My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
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Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.