saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.