Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.