My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”