Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
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The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.