Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ