He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You Might Also Like
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist