[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?