ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
wtf management?!
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.