The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’ve been learning to cook.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.