oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit